Thursday, March 30, 2006
Throughout the odyssey of my life,
lessons have rarely ever been discerned facilely.
I just wish that this lesson could have been dealt with the sacrifice of another friendship instead of ours.
I miss you.
The words that my pride doesn't let me reveal.
10:15 PM
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sometimes I honestly wish you were dead.
10:27 PM
Sunday, March 26, 2006
I saw amelina today.I hate the way she smiles that unfailingly enthralls me.
I hate the way she walks away, fixating my eyes on her till her silhouette fades away.
I hate the way she looks at me, and then I can't forget.
I hate the way she has a hold on me.
1:24 AM
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I was never able to conjure the cessation to our friendship, maybe because I never thought there would be one. I always wondered how it would end, what would the aftermath be, but answers I'd receive none.
Never did I think our closure would be this abrupt, this unforeseen, this impetuous, tumultuous. The agony though, expectedly excruciating.
It's you, afterall.
You have my wishes for the best in life.
The best that you can, if not already have.
Do cherish them, and always be well.
1:06 AM
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Mom and sis will be leaving for korea in a while.
Gonna miss them a hell lot, I know. Because I am already missing them so much now. 5 days will blow over quickly yes?
Loneliness, not having friends, is honestly not as scary as one may think. Just being alone in the house right now, with no one else but my maid makes me feel really afraid. Not of the dark, or whatsoever, but of being truly alone, without a family. I can afford to lose every one of my friends, no matter how much I love them, because there's always the consideration that the amount of love given might not be reciprocated nor even appreciated. But with my sister, with my mom, despite how horrible and rude I may be to them, despite the lack of display of affections, you know that the love is there, that they are the only ones who will stick by you, the ones that would truly give up everything just for you. In this case, me. And if only they knew how fortunate I truly feel, and how happy I feel just to be around them. And this is even with the case for my brother, regardless of how annoying/irritating/pest-like/infantile etc he is, I know I can never live a day with the knowledge that he wouldn't be around. I guess we all need a little annoyance in our lives, especially me. (:
So I'm gonna make changes to my life. Friends, some come and some go. It's just a matter of time. Even the closest ones leave your side. And never would I wanna immerse myself in such a depth of a friendship again. Well, sincerely, I thank you Cheryl. You've taught me well. Twits? It's no longer there anyway, neither am I.
If only things could go back in time..
9:48 PM
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Hehehehe.
Merser thinks that Xiaolongbao has JUICEEEEE.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Me: What is another name for pickled bread?
(Correct Ans: Dill-Dough)
Sis: Pick your breast?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I
Love these 2 ladies.
I am myself around them and they make me smile a hell lot.
(: (: (:
1:19 PM
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Everyone has a past they wish to erase,
or have reached the saturation point of a heartache whereby one would probably want to erase every trace of his/her memory from the face of this earth.
I won't deny that I was once there too.
However, today changed everything -- my whole perspective regarding Memories.
I remember just being together with my brother, hanging out with him just before he went to bed last night. Talking to him about his soccer trials for Home United as well as The Singapore International Junior Soccer Team? Or whatever it's called. I was so proud of him. I even remember going to school and flaunting this fact to Wanyi. But the first 2 words of this paragraph in italics were brutally robbed off this 12yr old boy today, this 12yr old boy whom I didn't know I love so much.
Being the horrible sister I undeniably am, I didn't notice that anything was wrong with him when he came home. He went straight to his room, and not long after, I received a transferred call from my mom asking me to check on him. Fine. The next thing I witnessed was my brother in his bed, crying. He told me he could not remember anything, that the right side of his head was hurting really badly. I couldn't even touch it, not even the slightest bit. It was too much for him to withstand. I called his friends, and apparently scolded one because that little shit refused to believe that I was my brother's sister and told me to shut up thrice. Okay fine, I understand that fella's situation of confusion, but I was one heck of a mess in panic mode, so he got fucked. Sorry :/
Nobody knew how my brother had fallen or injured himself, not even my brother himself. He only remembered he went to United Square after sch for pizza, and don't even remember who he went with nor if he paid for the pizza nor how he actually came home. He asked me what month it was more than 7 or 8 times. When I replied him 'March' (yes, 7-8times) he asked questions which scared the shithole outta me.
He asked..
"If now is March, then what happened to my birthday? Why didn't we celebrate?""March? Then when is my CA? Have I had my CA?" (And today was his last paper)
That is not it. He didn't even remember he called my mother. He kept on saying that his piano teacher is coming for lessons when I called her right in front of him to cancel his lesson.
Whenever I asked him to go to sleep, hoping so much that he'll recover once he has rest his brain, he'll try to get out of bed and say..
"No I cannot sleep, Teacher Angelina's coming. I have to prepare for her lesson."
"No I cannot sleep, I have a lot of hmwk. I have to do my hmwk or Mr Wong? will scold me."
"No I cannot sleep, I have PSLE. I need to study. I need to get into ACS(I). Papa and Mummy will scold me."
"No I cannot sleep, how did I fall? What happened? How did I get home?"
"No I cannot sleep, I'm scared. did you tell anybody? Don't. Papa will surely scold me."Note, that all these are not just said once, but were repetitive. So repetitive that I wanted to cry so badly, but I can't. If I do, he'll really perceive his condition to be gravely serious.
Once he left for the hospital, I broke down. I can't believe all that came out from his mouth. The insurmountable amount of stress laden on his skinny shoulders, that even out of anxiety, studies are all that flows out. Also due to the fact that my jackass father didn't believe that my brother's condition was authentic, he even reprimanded my brother. Fucking jerk. So of course, it ended up in a heated argument between my father and I which caused me to stay at home despite how much I wanted to be with my brother at that point of time. To witness my brother actually go through the pains in losing his memory, as well as the forceful face-up with his fears was absolutely excruciating for me. I never knew my heart could wrench this way, especially for my brother.
Thank God he's alright. CT Scan showed nothing wrong as yet, but still he has to be hospitalized for observation purposes. Please heal my brother. He's the only one I have.
This week has been awful, with so many tears shed, so many scars inflicted and left cruelly exposed. But the heartache aside, I've learnt so much. Regarding friends, regarding family, regarding myself. Every episode of drama divulges a truth. Thanks to all that has contributed, it has made me grown stronger. Even to those that I no longer talk to, no longer love. I'm contented with my life as it is,
without you.
10:38 PM
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
This is my blog, and I'll say whatever I want to say.
Unlike rachel, I won't speak Tamil so that people would understand my point, neither would have my words twisted and turned so that I would be able to envelope the authencity of my words for everyone to read it by an angle where the truth does not hurt. You don't have to understand anything, misjudge me, misread my texts. But don't assume what you perceive it as should been have read as such, you're never always right. I am entitled to my own rights and have all the liberty in the world to exhume everything in me through this blog, so deal with it. If you can't, you do have a choice not to further your eyes onto the rest of the page.
Thank you.
1:07 PM
To have me perceived in your eyes as such
After all the claims of knowing me best
Hearing those words that came out of your mouth
crushed everything we once built
Is this how you truly view me as?
Is this what it comes to after everything done?
Is this really how much you know me?
Is this really the friendship that we both have?
I abhor this. this miscommunication that shouldn't be there.
I abhor your selfishness.
I abhor your refusal of believing you may be wrong.
I abhor all your words that contradict your every action.
And I abhor myself,
for I actually did love you.
12:56 PM
Sunday, March 05, 2006
That's it.
I'm done with the both of you.
Most importantly,
I'm sorry for the hurt I've caused, for the trouble that I've stirred up, for every ounce of angst instigated. You know, I really did enjoy your company when you were back here, in fact, I even teared when you had to leave for Melbourne. Never from day 1, did I judge you or anything that goes along that line. And never has it ever crossed my mind to have you leave the picture if we were out together, all I wanted was out myself.
Yes, I've never experienced how it feels like being so apart from my other half and I know of how much you both are in need of each other's presence and of the torment that lies in between this physical distance you both have. I have absolutely no say in how much time you both wanna spend over the phone, but to the extent of knowing I am going to be there, she is going to be out with her friends yet the continuation of the conversation? What is that supposed to mean? Seriously, why don't you both just stay at home instead? You have no damn idea how rude and aggravating it actually is, to have a friend who's supposedly out with us yet her presence is superficial, to have her live in her own world. What's the point of coming out then? And you know, it probably doesn't affect the rest at all because you never meet them alone, but we always do. You have no idea how it feels like to be out with friends but you're actually alone. Have you really considered how I'd feel? Seriously? It's not that I do not understand, just that understanding has its own limitations as well.
Yes I've absolutely no right to say anything that happens between the both of you, I'm sorry that I've interferred. What am I possibly to know when all I see is her crying, all I hear is how much her heart is breaking? How would you have inferred it if you were in my shoes? To see a friend hurt so badly like this, even though you're knowledgeable of the fact that her other half is probably hurting as much too? Would you consider to be rational? Since this is strictly between the both of you, please do not ever approach me with your problems. You can say it with such indignance, then you should have been dealing with it yourself from the beginning. Why fucking involve me in the first place? You think I enjoy this? And I'm not 'depriving' you of your insecurities, but hey, how many times do you wanna go over that issue? Till you're sick of it and then go on to another one? First it was p, and now her? How much assurance do you actually need? Seriously, you still doubt the magnitude of her love for you? She's giving up her whole world for you. It was never your intention, but it sure damn well is striding along that path. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but that's how the cards are laid before my eyes. Well nonetheless, I'm sorry for interferring, for caring for my friend, and of such fucked up acts, I would not commit anymore.
All I wanted is to see my friend happy, and I know you could give her that. Albeit her presence is missed, I'm fine with not having her around anymore. To know that she's happy with you, I can live with it. You took something from me, my last pillar of support in this life, you have no idea how hard it is but yet I've been living with it since day one because her happiness really does matter, after she's been through so much hurt previously. I know hurt is inevitable in a relationship, but the hurt you caused her could have not been afflicted in the first place, and that was the ultimate for me. I let go of my last pillar of support to let her experience that? Prove me wrong, like you did before.
And though Sorry is irrefutably not enough to let you know, believe nor understand the fact that I hurt at the fact you're hurting, not enough to tell you of my wishes that your heart was made of stone so that my words wouldn't hurt you anymore, there's nothing left for me to say but Sorry. For everything I've caused, for interferring, for causing the both of you anguish unneeded.
With that, I leave the both of you.
Enough I've afflicted and am afflicted with,
I think it's done between us.
12:44 PM
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Since I'm entitled to my own thoughts and perception of issues, plus I honestly don't give a flying fuckeroo about what you think anymore or whatsoever, I'm gonna hit it straight to the point.
Fuck You.
Firstly, for snatching my friend away inadvertently. Don't fucking say that it was never your intention. But hey, you both are constantly on the phone every fucking minute of the day, be it texting or calls. You know what, why don't you both just stay home and have your life revolved around each other solely? Instead of going out and living in your own world and completely neglecting your friends. So what, I'm just supposed to stand around alone while I watch you both laughing over the phone throughout? Fine with it, just next time, ask your girlfriend not to meet me unless im with someone else. It was just like when you were back here. I enjoyed your company, yes I always do. But when it comes to a point of asking me out then leaving me out? Hey, fuck off.
Secondly, I understand you both can never get enough of each other. Sincerely, I'm happy for the both of you. You can take away my friend, it's fine by me. BUT here's the catch, it's only fine if you make her happy. Making her cry superfluous tears is really the limit. You are being fucking farcical. She's willing to give up everything for you, even killing this friendship. Do you fucking appreciate it? No, instead you hurt her so fucking badly because she loves you too fucking much. Not only are you controlling her social life inadvertently, you want to rip her heart out too? What the hell is wrong with you?
Since she's officially caged up, you are the only one she has now. Please, yes please, do not hurt her like you did again. You're really creating problems that were NEVER EVER there to begin with. You're hurting yourself and the one you love absolutely redundantly. Whatever for? When you both can be the happiest people alive just with each other. Albeit I may abhor her way of doing things, it hurts me more to see her in that state.
I've had it with the both of you.
She's all yours now. Please love her well.
4:56 PM
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Mystery the moon a hole in the sky
A supernatural nightlight so full but often wry
A pair of eyes a closing one
A chosen child of golden sun
A marble dog that chases cars to farthest reaches of the beach
And far beyond into the swimming sea of stars
The cosmic fish they love to kiss
They're giving birth to constellations
No riffs and oh no reservation
If they should fall you'd get a wish or dedication
May I suggest you get the best for nothing less than you and I
Let's take a chance as this romance is rising
Oh, before we lose the lighting
Oh Bella bella please. Bella you beautiful luna.
Oh Bella do what you do.
You are an illuminating anchor of leagues to infinite in number
For crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked just for me you expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger
Of a girl. I'm just a singer you're the world
All I can bring you is a language of a lover
Bella Luna my bella luna
How you swoon me like no other
May I suggest you get the best of your wish
May I insist at no contest for little you and smaller I
A larger chance as this romance is rising
On the brink of our lives
Bella bella please. Bella you beautiful luna.
Bella do what you do.
Bella luna. My beautiful beautiful moon.
How you swoon me like no other
8:06 PM
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Never ask me out on a Tuesday NIGHT unless its highly crucial.
Afternoons are free like hell.
ANYWAY.
Because I'm officially married to my tv every tues night.
It makes me very very happy.
Charmed at 8pm.
The OC at 9pm.
North Shore at 10pm.
Friends at 11pm.
The Nanny at 1215am.
Judging Amy at 115am.
If only wednesdays are holidays too. :(
12:22 AM
